To my Mental Health Awareness Month (MHAM) team at Ma’arif: Muti, A’isyah, Hikmah, Izzie, Afifah, Nadhiirah and Nurul.
I have a confession.
On 1 April 2016, an anonymous sent a submission on our @maarifhealth’s ask.fm.
“Please save me.”
You girls responded, telling the anonymous to send you a direct message on Twitter, or contact you through email. You reminded that you were always there to listen and help.
Meanwhile on Whatsapp, I remember you girls startled upon that message. It was a first for someone to anonymously submit such a deafening cry for help on one of our platforms. “Tell the person to breathe deeply. You are going to be okay. You are so loved because we love you,” Muti responded. “I dah reply I cakap email kitorg or DM our Twitter. Can someone watch our email in case she messages us?” Hikmah said.
It is now 22 May 2018 and this is the first time I’m telling it to a soul;
I was the one who sent that message.
I was the one who pleaded “please save me.”
At that point of time I was emotionally struggling with Nenek’s cancer news. It was also the start of a Pre-University life I didn’t even want. Exams were around the corner and I kept forcing myself to study in hopes to avoid thinking about my distress. To add on, being part of the MHAM program gave me nothing but flashbacks of my past episodes and relapses. I wasn’t used to facing my mental illness upfront and with other people.
Everything was hurtful. I was hurting.
I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to ask for your help directly. I’m sorry I made you girls worried.