Dear Ehemยฒ

Dear Ehem

This is an apology letter

 

I’m going missing for a few days

or a few hours lengthy enough

to feel like so

I’m not sure when

But I’m sure I’ll return

 

I’m out and about to search for answers

no one can provide me

“answers” I refuse to hear from people

for I’ve been feeling more

alone

than usual

These answers can only be found

through Him

and in order to find them

I must first

get lost in myself

 

This past month

impulsive disputes

baseless riots

and disorganised wars

have embodied me

and with this time

I’m hoping to clear the smoke

I’m hoping to

feel at peace again

 

The thing about being this blue

is that my brain is in constant alert to capture

things it can use

to fire against myself

It knows I want to break

and it is being helpful

by giving me reasons to do so

but

at the end of the day

aren’t very valid

because they’re all just

“in my head”

 

So I want peace

A peaceful world

I can walk on to find my destiny

without making

anymore

mistakes

A peaceful world

I can live in fully without grudges

towards others

towards myself

 

A peaceful world

where rain clouds are no longer there

to cloud me with uncertainty

and frustration

rather

there to pour water on me

so I can grow into the forest

the flower meadow

ย I buried in my own polluted heart

 

Dear one

I’m unsure if you still care for me

but just in case you do

this is an apology letter

I’m sorry if I hurt you

while I was hurting

My temporary withdrawal from this world

is not your fault

You don’t owe me any “sorry”s

nor any regret

This is not your fault

And I’m sorry for the times

you’ll feel down

I wish I could be there for you

but I won’t

I want to give you my whole power

of comfort and consolation

but I’m using it up on myself right now

I don’t want to give you only half

 

So I’ll return

 

when I’ve gained some answers from Him

when I’ve earned a peaceful world from Him

and perhaps by then

you’ve already found a new shoulder

to lean on

but in case you prefer

a rusty bony shoulder

like mine

I’ll be there

 

In shaa Allah

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