I dismissed it for weeks but the pain is growing unbearable lately.

The area right above my waist. My lower spine. It feels like someone is continuously hammering it inwards. I can’t bend. I can’t ruku’ during solat without wailing internally.

Abah and Akak are going to accompany me undergo X-ray tomorrow in shaa Allah.

I’m afraid.

I don’t know what this gut-wrenching pain is. I don’t know what caused it. How bad is it exactly? Does it have a cure? Or is this the beginning of my end?

I’m afraid to know.

Tomorrow I will know in shaa Allah.

I thought about this in the bathroom:

This year I pondered too much about death. I talked too much about it to my peers. I won my first ever prize for a competition. I made new friends. I burnt my weekends teaching children about Islam. I bought things for the sake of others’ happiness. I shed tears every time I perform terawih. I got to pray terawih the most so far this year, compared to previous years. I started reading Qur’an in the morning. I listened to Surah Mulk every night before I sleep. Abah called, reminding Nenek used to suffer from backaches as well.

Is this the best state I can be? Is Allah taking me back at my best? Is this it?

18 years old. 17 Ramadhan. What better time to be aware of your death?



Are all of these signs?

I dismissed the pain and it blew up at me.

If I dismiss these signs, will they blow up at me, too?

I’m afraid.


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