قدر‎‎

Death

Abah had two prayers. One was for Allah to allow him to be literate in Qur’an before he dies. The other was for Allah to allow him to perform Hajj before he dies. Yesterday he said, “dua2 du’a Abah dah makbul. Skrg tgh tunggu mati je.”

It suddenly reminded me of the time he drove Mama and Nenek to Malaysia and nearly got into a car accident. If he had driven a second faster, the car would’ve hit Mama, who was at the front seat. If he had driven a second slower, it would’ve hit Nenek, who was at the back. That single second spared Nenek about another two years or so. It was just fated for her not to die then.

And was it the first day of year 2014 when Abah got hit by a glass bottle while he was trying to reconcile two men squabbling? Inestimable amount of blood gushed out of his head, pouring out like an unhindered river. It was a miracle he didn’t die there. Was it really a miracle? Back then I thought it fully was but looking back now… it seemed more like fate. It was just fated for him not to die then.

وَلِكُلِّ أُمَّةٍ أَجَلٌ ۖ فَإِذَا جَاءَ أَجَلُهُمْ لَا يَسْتَأْخِرُونَ سَاعَةً ۖ وَلَا يَسْتَقْدِمُونَ – 7:34

Death is in front of our eyes with every breath we take. Every second we live. Every step we walk. Every word we speak. Every day we rise. Every night we sleep.

Angel Izrail a.s is waiting. We, too, await.


Heart

The pondering of qadr often rests back to Uzair. I do question our fate in the future, but it leaves me astonished piecing together the fate we had back then to be aligned for the fate we have currently – who we are now.

All those encounters; tiny ones, big ones, petty feelings and escapism fantasies – all of them led to the friendship we’ve established today. Who would’ve thought…?

My loath for A’isyah in Secondary 1 was a product of my inferiority complex. The same lowliness was towards Hikmah in Secondary 4. I felt personally victimized and made a fool of by Murshidah in Primary 4. Ultimately, the fight I directed towards Shamsi in late Secondary 1 that tore the Back Row apart. All of these ridiculous feelings and episodes eventually gravitated me to where I am now.

Today, I cannot live without them. A’isyah, Shamsi, Muti, Nadoot, Nurul, Hikmah, Aiman. I cannot live without these spectacular, magnificent, sensational, influential, awe-inspiring, beautiful ladies.

All those encounters; tiny ones, big ones, petty feelings and escapism fantasies – all of them led to the friendship we’ve established today. Who would’ve thought…?

وَاللَّهُ خَيْرُ الْمَاكِرِينَ – 8:30


Qadar

I am not trying to crack the code to the nature of fate; how the system generates, the formulas, the methodology.

I am not trying to figure Allah out. I am not trying to know the things I know I can’t. I trust Him, and Him only. I am not questioning how He works.

I am simply enthralled by His mesmeric work.

.هو الله الذي الحكيم و القادر و المقتدر و المهيمن

.هو ربّي

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